He stood facing a pin board laughing his deranged laugh. Photos of him and Bruce littered it --- or, photos that should have been him and Bruce. His shoulders shaking with giggles like he was crying. It was kind of like a cry, maybe it was how John cried. When he got really upset most often that big smile would spread on his face instead of a grimace. Bruce almost had to wonder if that augh was involuntary. It seemed like it, almost. His eyes the whole fight had almost looked... afraid. Afraid of Bruce.

"I was such and idiot"

John chastised in a low, hissing tone. He really did feel stupid. His body ached from punches from the man he had considered his best friend. He loved Bruce, loved him a lot. But he was sure Bruce had only ever used him as a pawn in his investigation, now. He had been for a while. He'd just held on hope that they were really, truly friends.

"I was so busy looking at you... Admiring you... wanting to be like you"

It was true. He'd believed in Bruce's cause, in the Bat, more than he ever believed in anything. But he'd been lying to himself, really. Fooling himself into having something to hope for.

"Be loved by you..."

Those words held more pain than the others. He wanted Bruce to love him, but it was all a lie. He still loved Bruce, despite it all. But he steeled himself. He had to do this. It would be better this way.

"I lost myself..."

John took a deep breath.

"But not anymore!"

He drew his knife and charged at Bruce. John had to end this; he needed to vent this pain and this anger. This was the only way he knew how.