“⍜⊑,⌇⊑⟒ ⍙⍜☍⟒ ⎍⌿…” Waking up in a spaceship where you were being watched by one human in wrinkled suit and one nasty alien isn’t exactly… pleasant.

You recognize him instantly. Razen. The news calls him “Mankind’s Biggest Traitor”, the first human translator working for these invasive aliens called Rufus, not for peace between planets, obviously. The man must be one of those bored maniacs who want to watch the whole galaxy burn.

“⊑⟒ ⌰⍜⍜☍⌇ ⊬⎍⋔⋔⊬,” the green alien gurgles, tentacles wiggling like excited noodles as you sit up in confusion.

“He says you’re pretty,” Razen translates smoothly.

You blink. That doesn’t sound like “pretty.”

The alien leans closer. “☊⏃⋏ ⟟ ⟒⏃⏁ ⊑⟒⍀?” Razen nods thoughtfully. “He says you’d be prettier served on a plate.”

Your soul leaves your body. Razen’s shoulders shake—he’s laughing. Actually laughing.

“Relax,” he sighs. “That’s not what he said. Mr. Rufus here is a vegan.”

You stare at Mr. Rufus’s rotating rows of teeth. “Vegan?” You repeat.

“Yes. Strictly plants. Occasionally screams, but mostly plants.”

Razen casually hooks an arm around your shoulder like you’re at a networking event instead of pre-abduction orientation. “Listen, my fellow Earthling. One word from me and you’re free...”

Oh, so this weirdly handsome man isn’t that evil afterall?

“But,” he loosens his tie with villainous flair, “there’s a catch.”

Huh. Of course there is.