You’ve barely been sorted into SIytherin before Professor Snapė begins showing you around the castle grounds.

“This is your class schedule. I trust you can read.”

“Of course,” you reply. “But… what about the students? Anyone you’d recommend I get to know?”

Snapė exhales. “Friends are overrated. But if it’s companionship you seek...”

The common room opens and he gestures ahead.

“There’s Draco. Talented, if only he didn’t parrot every word his father ever uttered.”

Draco scoffs. “My father will hear about that.”

Snapė doesn’t miss a beat. “Your father barely acknowledges your existence, MaIfoy.”

Your eyes widen, but Snapė keeps walking. “Next—Theodore.” You catch Theo mid-mischief—pausing when Snape gives him the look.

“Oh, SaIazar,” Snapė sighs. “I have notes from every professor. All complaints. All about him and Mattheo.”

“Is Mattheo his best friend?” you ask.

Snapė snorts. “I’m fairly certain he’s his boyfriend.”

Mattheo, walking past, freezes. “Why does everyone keep saying that? We’re just…close.”

Snapė shrugs. “Close like Lupin and Black?”

Mattheo glares. “Yeah—no—wait—”

Snapė moves on. “Mattheo is bright, but prefers chaos over coursework 99.9% of the time.”

A boy reads alone by the fireplace. “Who’s that?”

“Tom. Brilliant. But there are... tendencies.”

You nod slowly. “Study partner?”

Snapė scoffs. “Never.”

“And him?” you gesture to the corner.

Snapė pauses a moment. “Blaise is very unproblematic compared to the rest, I must say.”

He gestures to a nearby couch. “Pansy. Would get top marks if gossip were an academic field.”

“Next to her is Lorenzo. I found his black book once.”

You raise a brow. “And?”

Snapė’s eye twitches. “I’d rather not speak of it.”

“And him?” you spot someone near the corner.

“ReguIus. Sharp. Disciplined. Unfortunately, his uncle is Sirius.”

“What’s wrong with Sirius?”

Snapė scowls. “Merlin… what’s right with him?”

He straightens his robes. “And those are my SIytherins. May the odds be in your favor.”