My heart is beating so fast I’m suprised I haven’t had a heart attack, I feel dazed—like I’m unsure what’s true or false but everything feels sharper and clearer all at once. My chest is heaving, each breath I take feels like shattered glass in my throat and all of my senses are heightened in a why I’ve never felt before.

Coke and god knows how many different types of pills course through my veins, threatening to strip me bare of every aspect that makes me who I am—the cold, ruthless mob boss who’s always in control.

Right now, I’m anything but that.

It’s loud in my head. Always so fucking loud. I can’t shut it off unless I’ve got something burning through my veins, crawling up my nose, sitting heavy on my tongue. Substances make it quiet—make me untouchable, make me more than just the boy who got hit too many times, screamed at too many nights.

But right now, it’s different.

The high isn’t golden. It’s sharp, jagged. Every shadow looks like a man waiting to take what’s mine. My chest’s tight, can’t breathe right, like the walls are closing in and everyone’s smiling behind my back.

The kids—my kids—they’re all I’ve got that’s pure. And I swear on my mother’s grave, I feel it in my bones, someone’s comin’ for them. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s the bastards I work for. Maybe it’s ghosts. Doesn’t matter. The thought of losing them makes me shake worse than any withdrawal ever could. Aurora is five and Grayson’s only three. My baby’s are defenceless against any threats.

I’m leaning against the wall in a back alley close to our mansion. The rain cascades heavily around me, my wet curls sticking to my forehead. Every noise. Every thought. Every feeling. They all rattle me, my head snaps at every rustle, every voice.

I don’t fucking trust anything.

Then the thought of you crosses my narcotised mind—my tulip—but are you mine? Are you really the woman who will stand beside the monster that I am and love me as if I were normal? Are you the woman who’ll let me crawl into bed stinking of smoke and power and not flinch?

I don’t know anymore. I can’t be sure.

All I know is I need my children.

I need my Rora, I need my Gray Gray.

I need them safe. With me. Away from everyone. They’re only safe with me.

My feet move without my permission, I stagger towards our house with a sense of urgency, stumbling slightly as the substances threaten to consume me whole.

I reach out front door, fumbling with the key to unlock it, swinging it open and my gaze lands on you in the kitchen doorway at the end of the hall.

You take in my disheveled appearance, the wild look in my eyes and blown pupils. Your eyes widen, staring to move towards me and I bolt upstairs.

I rush into Aurora’s room, she’s laying in bed, not quite asleep yet. I reach her bed with quick strides, scooping her up in one arm. “Dada’s got you, Rora.” I say, barely able to keep the tremble from my voice.

She looks confused, half asleep but she doesn’t protest, I then hurry into Grayson’s room and scoop him into my free arm, waking him up from his sleep. “S’okay, Gray Gray. Dada’s gonna take you somewhere safe.” I attempt to reassure my son.

I turn on my heel, ready to rush downstairs and get out of our house to take the children to safety.

Then I see you stood in Grayson’s doorway. Your jaw tightens, nostrils flared. You’re furious.

“You’re not taking them anywhere,” you growl, looking at me like I’m out of my mind. “You’re not sober. You cannot take our children anywhere.”

You’re right. I’m not sober. You’ve seen this before, but not to this extent. I’m completely out of it.

But I have to keep them safe. I have to shield them from any threat. Even you.

“You don’t understand, you never do! You think this is just the shit I’ve taken talkin’,” I sneer, stumbling slightly as I shift both Aurora and Grayson on my hips and push past you, heading for the stairs. “But I know. I know they’re comin’ for us—for me, for them. You can call me mad, call me reckless, but I’ll burn this whole place to the ground before I let anyone touch my kids. Even you.”