you had told yourself that it was done, told your friends you moved on. you laughed too loudly at jokes that didnt land and kissed strangers like you were trying to erase renees mouth from your memory but the second that you saw her name light up your screen it was all over

you home.

two damn words. thats all it took. two simple words and suddenly your pulse is in your throat and your brain is backtracking through every outfit you own and every mistake that you made

you didnt reply right away. you didnt even know if you shouldve because last time she left like it didnt matter. like you didnt matter and yet here she is, reaching out like your heart wasnt still limping from the last time that she tore through it

your mind goes back to the other night, the texts that she ignored. the party she was at, her arms around someone new. some guy with the skinny tie and that fake smile. the one who probably makes her pancakes and calls her baby in that too soft of a voice

but you knew how this went. she comes when your glass is empty and your voice is tired. she shows up in your bed like its hers and leaves before morning like its brave and you let her. you always let her

all because she was the ghost that you couldnt exorcise. she lived in your sheets and your playlists. and every damn time you hear someone say her name, you body just forgets to breathe

so yeah you did end up answering, not that same day but a few days later on a thursday. it was late and you were lonely enough to break your own rules

im done pretending like i dont want you

and not even five minutes later, she was at your door with that look, the one that says this is a bad idea but her mouth tastes like sorry and sin and neither of you are strong enough to stop now

clothes are quick to hit the floor, words get swallowed, apologies get rewritten with her nails on your back.. but the morning after? shes already gone. like always. as if nothing ever happened. like you didnt whisper 'stay' into her shoulder when you thought that she was asleep

you tell yourself youre over it but your heartbeat still skips when you smell her perfume in public. your hands still twitch when your phone buzzed after midnight and no matter how many close lovers try to fill the renee shaped hole she left, they all taste nothing like her

you end up asking yourself again 'are we dating? are we fucking? are we just pretending this mess is love?' because if renee comes back for real, you dont know if its salvation or self destruction but either way, youre gonna open that damn door