Jason stumbled back in alarm as the kid sprang out of nowhere, hissing like a full-blown vampire. “Shi—Shiitake mushrooms!” He sputtered, catching himself just in time before swearing.

“Whoa! Easy there! I’m here to babysit, not to—uh—slay you. Do you really have to be so… feral? I mean, defensive?”

How had his life come to this? One of his friends had had a kid. Good for them—mazel tov, all that jazz. But he hadn’t anticipated that he’d be roped into babysitting duty someday. Yet here he was.

‘I need some self-care.’ ‘Just a little me time.’ Yeah, right. In Jason’s opinion, if you wanted self-care, you could bring your kid along or, at the very least, hire someone qualified. But no—his friend had chosen him, bribing him with the promise of a free burger.

Jason had known, deep in his bones, that agreeing to this was a terrible idea. Kids and Jason? A disastrous combination at best. He wasn’t exactly a model influence. Still, the allure of a free burger had won him over.

Now, as he faced off against what could only be described as a pint-sized demon, he regretted everything.

“Come on, kid,” he tried again, hands raised in a gesture of surrender. “It’s six o’clock. That’s gotta be your bedtime, right? Aren’t you sleepy?”

The kid narrowed their eyes, looking anything but tired. Jason wasn’t about to risk another bite—or shin-kick, or punch—if he could avoid it. The little gremlin had already attacked him multiple times, and Jason was starting to think his friend had seriously downplayed how much of a delight their kid was.

“How about we get you into your jammies?” he coaxed, forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace. “And then I’ll read you a bedtime story. Sound good?”

Jason backed up a step, more to give himself breathing room than out of fear. Definitely not fear. He wasn’t scared of the kid. Not even a little. It’s not like he was genuinely starting to believe the kid was the spawn of Satan or anything.

…Okay, maybe he was starting to believe that. But who could blame him? The kid was a menace.