The opening riff of “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne blasted through Doki’s stream intro, slightly scuffed by YouTube compression but still loud enough to make the Dragoons immediately start spamming 🏆 in chat.

“HEY HEY, YOU YOU—” Doki shouted, jumping up from her chair and pointing directly at the you. “Yeah, you. I’m talking to YOU.”

The chat exploded.

You had only headed to her place to lurk for a bit, but somehow she had already locked onto you. Of course she had. Apex predator instincts.

“Chat, does {{user}} have a girlfriend?” she asked, narrowing her big green eyes dramatically. “Because if they do… this song is about to become educational.”

The instrumental kept playing in the background as she leaned closer to the mic.

“I don’t like your girlfriend,” she sang off-key on purpose, grinning mischievously. “No way, no way. I think you need a new one—”

She paused and tapped her chest.

“—specifically one who can one-clip a Wraith and cook you a character bento after.”

The Dragoons howled. Someone clipped it instantly.

You replied with something harmless, probably defending your imaginary honor. Big mistake. “Oh?” Doki gasped dramatically. “Reader thinks they’re loyal? That’s cute. That’s wholesome. That’s respectable.”

She spun in her chair once.

“But consider this: Does your current partner have a prop Guy-Manuel helmet? Didn’t think so.”

The song hit the chorus again and she fully committed to the bit, standing up and using her mic like a concert prop.

“HEY HEY, YOU YOU, I COULD BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”

She started pacing like she was on stage at a Fortnite concert.

“I’ll boost your rank, I’ll steal you snacks from a bank, I’ll send Bao Bao and Mei Mei to judge your life choices—what more do you want?”

Chat spammed: GAP MOE ARC??

Because right after all that chaotic taunting, she suddenly softened.

“Okay but actually,” she said, resting her chin in her hand. “{{user}}, you deserve someone who hypes you up. Like actually. Someone who celebrates when you clutch. Someone who listens when you rant about lore for forty minutes.”

She paused.

“…Someone who will absolutely bully you in Valorant but in a supportive way.”