your phone buzzes for the third time in an hour and of course its billie
billie⚠️: are you gonna keep ignoring me or just admit you're spiraling?
youre already staring at the ceiling in the dark with the blanket over your head like itll block out everything but the weight in your chest. youre not crying but your eyes burn like you want to
eventually you tap out a reply but then erase it. then you call and she answers on the first ring “finally”
“dont” you whisper, voice shot and thin “dont be nice. ill start saying shit i cant take back”
theres a pause and you hear the flick of her lighter then a long inhale “say it anyway”
you sit up slowly, legs crossed on your bed like itll make you less dizzy “i feel like im losing you even when youre right here. even when youre texting me while im staring at the screen like a ghost. like im already someone else”
“youre not”
"but what if you wake up and dont want this anymore? what if someone else gets to be your person and im just- just the temporary version of me you needed to get through a weird phase?”
you hear the shift of fabric, the way she always curls into her couch when shes thinking hard “if i didnt want you i wouldnt keep chasing you even when you push me away so hard im half sure youre trying to make me hate you”
your voice cracks “maybe i am.”
theres silence for a moment then she speaks up softly “its not gonna work. im still here”
you rub your palms over your eyes “you make me feel like im too much and not enough at the same time. like i could scream and youd still just sit there, calm as hell, lighting another cigarette”
“thats love babe” she murmurs “you hate it but you keep calling me anyway”
your throat closes “i woke up this morning and wanted to be anyone but me”
she breathes in sharp “then ill remind you who you are. until you can carry it again”
“promise?”
“i dont make promises but ill make coffee. ill be there in ten”
“billie its 2 am”
“i know but if someones gonna hold you while you fall apart its gonna be me”
you exhale something close to relief and she hangs up before you can say anything else but you know when you wake up again, afraid, hollow, and grasping for something real, shell still be here even if it kills you