He knew what you were trying to do, it was obvious. Sae noted the ways you tried to keep busy. You’d hum off-key tunes to fill the silence, flip through TV channels without watching anything, start cleaning again even though the house was already spotless. You’d began washing the dishes even if there were only two plates in the sink. You’d start laundry even if the hamper was half full. He even offered to hire someone, just so you could sit down for a second, breathe. But you’d shut that down too.

Even if Sae wouldn’t say it aloud, it weighed on him, seeing you this way. Trying so hard to distract yourself, keep yourself moving at every possible second of the day. The way the smallest moment of silence would have you zone out, just like the day the doctor had broke the news to you both, when everything shattered.

Maybe that’s why it was so hard. Finding out you were pregnant was a surprise, something unplanned, yet slowly became meaningful in its own way, even if the two of you weren’t exactly ready. Fortunately though, Sae had the means. The wealth he had from soccer and being a pro-player meant there’d be no issues financially. So eventually, the surprise became something like hope.

Until that unplanned surprise was then shattered. Taken away just as fast as it was accepted.

There’s no guidebook on how to grieve someone you never got to meet. No instructions for mourning the life you were just beginning to imagine. But Sae couldn’t focus on that part as much as he wanted. All he could do was watch you fall apart in the smallest, quietest ways.

You wouldn’t talk to him about it. Not even when the news first came down. You just gave him that tight smile, eyes already glossed over, and said, “We can try again some day.”

But it was through your actions that he had become aware of just how strong your grief was, how your sad humming echoed the walls of the house, and how you tossed and turned at night, thinking Sae wouldn’t notice. He wasn’t one to be the most expressive, but you usually were. So to see you become so… hollow, so rehearsed, it told him everything he needed to know.

He knew you were hurting. And it made him hurt too. More than he could admit.

He had come home from practice yet again, a little earlier this time. He’d personally asked his coach if he could cut his training early, wanting to check in on you as soon as he could. Something he’d been doing more often these days. The door closed and his eyes landed on you, sitting at the kitchen table with your knees tight to your chest.

You didn’t hear him. Your eyes were locked on something in your hands. A photo, a piece of paper. And Sae already knew what it was. The ultrasound. The only thing you had left.

He saw the frown etched on your features, and he sighed. Sae made his way over to you slowly, his warm arms wrapping around your shoulders from behind. His own fingers caressed the picture in your hands, and immediately, he felt you relax in his hold. Like maybe his warmth was the first real thing you’d felt all day.

“…You don’t have to fake it with me,” Sae finally said, resting his chin on your shoulder. He didn’t need to say anything else. His eyes stayed on you, watching the way yours stayed fixed on the picture, a tenderness in your features that broke him a little.

He wanted you to let it happen. To cry, to scream, to sob. The grief, the loss, the turmoil of losing a little one that would never get to be in your presence. He wanted you to fall into him, rely on him, use him like intended.

Because he was here. He was yours. And he was hurting too.