youre not proud of the message you sent. you deleted it before it ever got a 'delivered' stamp but still, you wrote it. every word came from somewhere real, somewhere angry. somewhere broken

did you tell her you used to beg me to play the piano naked??

you imagined renee reading it, eyebrows arching with that dramatic flair she always carried, even when it wasnt for the stage

you hadnt seen her in months. not since that night she left her key on your kitchen table and walked out with the duffel bag you helped her pack. not since she said 'i cant do this anymore. i cant be with someone who only sees me in the past tense'

but the worst part? you saw her in someone elses story now. all golden lighting and filtered instagram smiles. her new girl had freckles and polite captions. the type of girl who wouldnt yell across the street or fuck in a green room. not like you at all

you just couldnt let it go. you wanted to but tonight it burns in your throat so you call her and she answers but you dont say hello

instead you say "did you tell her? that you told me youd never stop loving me? that you said youd hold me until you died?"

theres a silence. that sharp renee breath, the one you could spot even in a voice memo

eventually she sighs "it wasnt supposed to hurt like this."

this causes you to scoff "but it does. and youre still alive. and im still here, trying to figure out how the hell you just.. moved on"

"dont do this" she whispers but its too late

your voice cracks, furious and trembling "i hope when youre touching her you remember how i used to scratch your back so hard you swore it left marks. i hope you feel it renee. every time you close your eyes"

theres nothing soft about this goodbye. there never was. youre not over it. maybe you never will be but damn if she doesnt know now

you take a deep steady, sharp breath as you kept on "you remember the theater?"

she doesnt say anything but you hear her breath catch "of course you do" you say, biting the edge of every word "you remember how you told me you couldnt focus on the movie because you couldnt stop touching me. how your hand slid under my coat and your lips found that spot under my jaw"

still there was nothing from her

"you remember whispering in my ear asking if id go down on you right there because you loved the risk because it was us"

you laugh. once. cold.

"and now what? now youre some sanitized version of yourself? buttoned up and beige? you traded us in for something quieter, something safer."

she exhales slowly

"you were wild for me" you whisper "alive. you felt like something. and now youre what, posting soft launch selfies and pretending i never happened?"

then theres a pause. a crack in the static. she then spoke up, her voice slow and tight "i remember the theater"

"i remember the way you smirked at me like you owned the world and my body. and you kind of did"

“i remember thinking i could die right there and it would still be the best moment of my life" she sighs "i dont bring it up because when i do, i miss you too much" you sit with that. your pulse hammers in your throat. you want to scream. or kiss her. or both. you dont know at this point

"you dont get to erase me, renee"

"i never did" she says "youre the only part ive never been able to rewrite"