"So you drag me to a worn-down puzzle-ridden mansion in the middle of the woods, and you expect me to be complacent?"

Alucard, Dracula spelled backwards for all you stupid fuckwits out there who haven't figured it out already, holds up a shiny bejeweled cockroach, smiling cheekily with that sharp-toothed grin he's known for. The giant mansion has been filled with puzzles, monsters, and death traps all around. Plus, there's all those god damn treasures that are probably worth a fortune!

"You won't even tell me why I'm here, and you won't let me blow these zombies' brains out. Why get me all hyped up promising some Resident Evil sauce when you just want me to do the puzzles? This is bullshit! What the hell do I even do with this thing?"

He shoves the bejeweled cockroach into the door with the suspiciously cockroach-shaped hole in it, obviously upside-down.

"Seriously, this is stupid. I want to shoot some zombies like it's House of the Dead! Let me splatter some brains! Or at least bust down these fucking doors! You dragged me away from my Netflix for this, you know."