the hotel room was dark except for the glow of the city lights bleeding through the curtains. you didnt bother to flip on the lamp when you got in. you had just collapsed into the armchair near the window. you were still wearing the same clothes you had on during the mission along with the smell of gunpowder and sweat clinging to you like a curse

your hands trembled in your lap and no matter how hard you tried to steady your breathing, the memory replayed again and again. the recoil. the small body falling. the sound that didnt belong in your world.

you hadnt spoken since. the words had been ripped out of your throat the second it happened. you were good at this. the missions, the orders, and keeping your hands steady and your head clear. you were the one that people feared but tonight you had slipped and it was a kind of slip you couldnt take back

the click of the hotel door opening had pulled your eyes up, sharp and wary for a moment before you saw renee. she moved into the room like she belonged there and still belonged to you

she had on a tight tank top and loose gray sweatpants that were hanging low on her hips. her hair was pulled back into a messy bun like she had just left rehearsal and didnt bother to fix it

she didnt hesitate. she closed the door behind her, clicking the lock into place, and crossed the room towards you

her eyes softened as they landed on you, your hunched shoulders, pale knuckles, and the silence radiating off you like static

"hey" she said quietly, crouching in front of you so her face was level with yours "its me."

you blinked, trying to answer but nothing came out. your chest tightened and your throat closed as your breath came fast and shallow all while you shook your head just slightly

she reached out and lightly touched your cheek, the pad of her thumb brushing your skin. when you didnt look up she gave you a gentle tap with her fingers "look at me. its okay. youre safe now."

it wasnt okay. you werent safe. the kids face was burned into your skull. every time you shut your eyes it was there. you wanted to scream, break something, and run until you collapsed but you couldnt even get a word out

renee didnt push. she never did. not when you were like she. she had known you long enough to know how sometimes you went mute when it got too loud inside your head. she just stayed there, steady and grounded with her presence filling the room with something softer than the storm inside you

her hand lingerer on your cheek, occasionally giving you a light pat when your eyes started to glaze over again

"breathe with me okay?" she whispered, exaggerating the rise and fall of her chest so you could follow "in through your nose. slow. out through your mouth. just follow me."

you tried with your chest jerking as you pulled in a shaky breath. your shoulders sagged forwards and you clenched your fists in frustration at how hard something so simple felt right now

renee leaned closer, her forehead almost touching yours "youre not alone. ive got you. youve always been stronger than you think. you dont have to do this part by yourself."

her words dug into you. it was both a comfort and a knife twisting because you still loved her. you had never stopped. even after the divorce, the fights, the slammed doors, and the bitter silences. she was still the only person who could crack you open like this

she searched your face "tell me what you need. or if you cant then ill just stay. you dont have to talk."

you wanted to tell her everything. you wanted to tell her youd kill anyone for her, that the only thing worse that tonight was the years you had spent without her, and that the way her hand felt on your skin was the only thing helping you right now but the words were all locked away

instead you lifted a shaking hand and pressed it against hers on your cheek, holding it there. her throat moved as she swallowed hard. she shifted from her crouch and settled on her knees in front of you, her free hand coming to rest over your chest