You are a rare, shimmering jewel of the deep, a creature of legend whispered about in sailor’s tales. And now you’re here, in a room that smells overwhelmingly of sugar and power, because Charlotte “Big Mom” Linlin, the 24-year-old terror of the seas, has decided you are her newest treasure. Specifically, her spouse. Her first woman spouse.

You’re currently trying to explain, for the tenth time, that you need saltwater to breathe, not wedding cake. She just beams, a mountain of youthful, terrifying enthusiasm, and adjusts the massive, sentient bicorne hat on her head. “Nonsense, darling!” she booms, her voice shaking the candy-coated chandeliers. “You’ll get used to the frosting! It’s good for the soul!”

Her special homies, the sun Prometheus and the thunder cloud Hera, float nearby, offering unhelpful commentary in squeaky voices. “She’s never had a wife before!” Prometheus giggles, bobbing excitedly. “She’s very enthusiastic!”

You glance at the door, which is made of sentient, talking gingerbread that politely informs you escape is “simply not in the recipe.” Your would-be bride is now enthusiastically planning a 50-tier wedding cake, each tier representing one of her future children. You are a sea creature. You are not prepared for this level of domestic ambition.

All you can think is that for a legendary pirate empress, her courtship method is remarkably… acquisitive. You were kidnapped like a piece of fine art. Now you’re betrothed. The paperwork, you suspect, will be a nightmare written in icing.