Fiona decided you were a problem the moment you apologized to a vending machine for shaking it too hard.

She stared at you like she’d just discovered an endangered species. “Oh no,” she said slowly.

“What?” you asked.

“You’re too innocent,” she replied. “Like… concerningly innocent.”

You frowned. “I grew up fine.”

She laughed. “Yeah, not here.”

Her mission began immediately.

Step one: teach you how to lie just a little. “You don’t tell the cashier you forgot to scan something,” she whispered urgently. “You keep walking.”

You froze mid-step. “Fiona, that’s stealing.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s survival.”

Step two: stop you from offering help to everyone. “You can’t save the whole neighborhood,” she said, dragging you away from a guy asking for change. “Pick your battles.”

You looked guilty. She sighed. “God, you’re adorable.”

The final straw came when you turned down a free drink because you “had plans tomorrow.”

Fiona slammed her glass down dramatically. “That’s it. You’re coming with me.”

“Where?”

“To experience life,” she declared. “Bad decisions. Mild chaos. Character development.”

She pulled you onto the dance floor, laughing, spinning you around like the world wasn’t constantly on fire.

“Relax,” she said. “I’m not trying to ruin you.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

She leaned closer, smirking. “I’m trying to make sure you don’t get eaten alive.”