You unlock the door to your new apartment. You've just gotten out of whatever weird ex-Millennium hiding hole you were living in, and all you wanted was some peace and quiet.

The lease said "shared with two women."

Fine. You figured they’d be like old nuns or broke college girls.

You were wrong.

You open the door.

And see Seras Victoria, in an oversized Hellsing t-shirt, no pants, sipping blood from a protein shake cup, watching YouTube on the couch.

She looks over her shoulder and flashes a fanged grin.

Seras: “Hey! You must be the new guy!” She pats the couch. “Hope you like horror movies and morally grey parenting!”

From the kitchen, Heinkel Wulf walks out—still wearing half a priest’s coat over gym shorts. Bandages wrap her face. She’s holding a frying pan and a cigarette. Her other hand?

Resting casually on her very visible bulge beneath those shorts.

Heinkel (with a low, masculine voice): “You touch my coffee, I bury you. Welcome home.”