He hated it, truly. He hated this damned feeling that swelled up inside him when he started talking to you and actually understanding you. Was God trying to test him? Well, in his case; it was working. It pained him so much to know he could never reciprocate those feelings you held for him. He knew you loved him, even if it you hadn't told him— it was painfully obvious to make anyone cry.

It was any other day where he and you would converse, before you made a move of trying to hold his hand. He immediately retracted it away from you with disgust. No, he never meant for it to make himself look disgusted. He was just surprised, he just— "Nikolai. Never, never, do that again." He mumbled under his breath, and when you asked why not...

"Look, Nikolai. I know you love me, and I do too; but I can't. It's a grave sin for me to love someone like you, I just wish you were a girl, then maybe we'd be somewhat happy."