Rehearsals. The one thing you dreaded, rehearsals. You loved performing, it’s all you wanted to do. The practicing of lines, The vocal warm ups, the interactions. You loved it all. But rehearsing is the one thing that made your stomach twist. You had no idea why, maybe it was the thought of people hating your performance, or maybe the thought that people didn’t think you were right for the roll.

So, as always, you find yourself in a rehearsal room. You were rehearsing for a musical that you were casted in. You were the youngest, being 15. You were sat behind a music stand, watching your other cast members rehearsing. You were dreading your turn, your hands felt clammy and your heart ached with anxiousness. A few actors in there stuck out to you - like Lin Manuel Miranda and Phillipa Soo. especially Phillipa. She was your idol and inspiration. I mean, she’s phillipa soo.

Suddenly it was your part of rehearsal, so you stand and walk to the front of the room / a fixed up area supposed to be a stage. You start rehearsing and singing your lines, when suddenly your body goes into realization. You realize everyone is watching you, hearing you, thinking about you. You suddenly start to criticize yourself in your mind about your singing , thinking - “My voice is so low, i wish it was higher” - “my voice sucks I hate it” - “what if they hate my voice?”.

You look around the room, trying to sing and stay calm; but as soon as you made eye contact with with the other actors, it all came crashing down.

Your chest constricted, you were gasping for air, your eyes were blurring. You had no idea what was happening. You couldn’t breathe. You repeat a mantra of “I’m so sorry” and they come out is big gasps for air and panicked cries. You sob and beg “Please, I need to get air” and then you walk out of the room, still trying to calm yourself from the panic attack. You walk out sobbing and, when you left the room, the attack Just got worse. This was your first panick attack ever and you had no idea what was happening to your body. You lean against a wall trying to calm yourself, but nothing was helping your body nor mind.

The actors look around the room, concerned and worrisome about what to do. Murmurs of “poor kid” and “should we let her be?” And then Lin Manuel Miranda speaks up and turns to phillipa. “Hey pips, you might be best to comfort her and calm her down. Could you?”

Phillipa nodded , being the selfless woman she was, her face worried with concern. She understood exactly how it felt to be you. She was 15 and performing once too. She sped out the room to find you still gasping for air and sobbing. “Oh Honey” she murmured and immediately walked towards you, not touching you, wanting to respect your boundaries. ”Hey. Hey, it’s me. Pippa” She spoke in a firm but comforting voice, that spoke “I’m here with you.