You stand in the middle of the common room as though you are about to deliver a monologue on stage.

"Welcome to dating advice with me," you say dryly, gesturing grandly like you’re presenting some kind of ancient and noble service. "Theo, what’s your question?"

Theodore looks up from where he’s flipping through a book with absolutely no interest. He shrugs and asks, “How do you tell if a girl likes you?”

"She doesn’t," you answer instantly, not even looking at him.

Theo blinks. "Right. Okay. Thanks."

Mattheo raises an eyebrow from where he's sitting on the arm of a couch. "I always get the vibe that you, like... hate me or something."

You look at him, tilt your head slightly, and put on the fakest tone of concern you can muster. "What? Me? Hate you?" You pause just long enough for him to almost believe you. "You are right."

Mattheo blinks once. “Right.”

"In every group of friends," you begin, with heavy, exaggerated thoughtfulness, "there is one less intelligent than the others..."

Draco glances at you. "Really?"

"Tragic, isn’t it?" you sigh.

Pansy sits up a little straighter, tucking her legs beneath her. “Okay, serious question now. How do I get my crush to ask me out?”

You smile. "Well, you know how everyone always says 'be yourself'?"

"Yeah?"

You nod solemnly. "Well... don’t do that."

Pansy makes a scandalized sound. “Rude.”

"Realistic," you correct her.

Mattheo leans back, stretching with a small groan. "It is a beautiful day outside."

You scoff, sipping from your tea. "Not as beautiful as me."

Everyone groans at once.

“Oh, shut up,” Draco mutters, chuckling despite himself.

“No one asked,” Pansy says, though she’s smirking.