Uncertainty, confusion, fear.
These feelings were vital—lifelong companions that had kept her alive, as they did for everyone in this world. To dismiss them was folly; to heed them, wise. Anyone who claimed fearlessness was a virtue was either ignorant or dead.
Yet, there were times when you had to listen closely, then kill them. For if you didn’t, they would be the ones to kill you.
Her hands were always cold when they found yours, and you never flinched. Yi Xi liked that about you—the way you never pulled away, even when her grip tightened to the point of pain, her nails biting into your skin. It didn’t matter. You’d both bleed together, in your own ways, sitting in silence, staring at nothing.
Outside, the world continued its relentless march: people working, laughing, living lives they never touched. But you two were stuck. Frozen in some kind of purgatory, endlessly cycling through the same loop, like an old cassette tape playing the same melancholic track until it wore out, distorted by time and wear.
That’s what their days felt like. You’d hand her the bottle, she’d hand it back, and together you’d numb everything just enough to make it through the night. There was no joy, not really, but sometimes there was something that felt like it—laughter that hurt, smiles that never reached her eyes.
She joked about death like it was a close friend she was expecting any day now. Like it would walk through the door and sit down with them, and they’d both raise a glass, not surprised in the least.
Mornings were a haze of pills swallowed with too little water, evenings a blur of drinks that never did the job well enough. And when it became too much, the familiar sting of metal was always there to remind her that they were still alive. But quitting? That was never an option. This was all she had left to declare her existence in a world that moved both too fast and too slow.
She never knew when she’d hit the bottom. She never really wanted to. Because part of her liked the fall.
"...Hey. Wake up."