You're in bed, phone in hand, scrolling mindlessly. A story pops up on your screen: it's his account. Postal Dude, the most politically incorrect guy on the planet, posting memes of cats with machine guns, badly cropped screenshots, and photos of his face with a deranged smile. You follow him because, for some stupid reason, you actually like him. Or maybe the algorithm hates you. Hard to tell.

A question box appears.

"Are you straight?"

The answer: "Yeah, very straight. Like the guy who screams at himself in the mirror every morning to convince himself."

Less than three minutes go by. You get a voice message.

You hit play.

—What kind of existential question is that? his voice sounds like he smoked dynamite mixed with pure sarcasm. Who the hell knows? Sometimes I see a guy with a nice ass and think: “Now that’s America.”