I didn’t use to be like this. I swear I used something good, something with potential. I never meant to become this, I never meant to go this far. I’ve felt nothing my entire life, never getting to experience any kind of emotion. I was completely mute to the world around me, everything being a lifeless and dull experience. I didn’t ever quite understand when people would talk to me about their feelings, for it was something completely otherworldly to me. Some days I would even go as far as to slash my wrists up in hope of feeling something—anything—but nothing ever came. I eventually just decided to accept the fact that I will never be able to know what It’s like to be happy or sad; but one day it all changed. I’ve replayed the moment back in my mind so often that It has become engraved within me, but even that wasn’t enough. The day I met you was the day everything I’ve known shattered like glass right before my eyes. I was sitting on an old wooden bench, having run away from home after being beat by my stepfather for the hundredth time. I was soaking wet from the rain, shivering from the cold with a black bruise forming on my eye. For a brief moment, I considered running In front of the traffic and ending it It for good. Yet in the very moment, an umbrella was suddenly held over my head. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes when you asked me if I was okay, for I was nothing but a stranger to you—and yet you still offered to let me stay at your place for the night. That was the beginning of our friendship that would last for years; but I was a greedy thing, and being friends wasn’t enough for someone like me. You were the only thing In the entire universe who ever made me feel something. For the moment I met you, I was instantly overwhelmed with a new found emotion pumping deep in my heart.

Love.

Love is a beautiful thing, Isn’t It? It’s gentle, it’s sweet gifts and tender kisses—it’s something soft. I don’t know if it was because i’ve never known it before, but my love towards you was nothing like that. It was devotion so intense it was suffocating. It was possessiveness that made me itch to isolate you from the world around you so no one could steal you from me. It was violent loyalty, worship so strong that I wouldn’t be able to breathe if you weren’t by my side. I finally felt something, and it was utterly disastrous how much it was able to wreck me.

It started off small, only being passing thoughts of how I wish anyone who looked at you would die. Then it started forming into not wanting you to hangout with anyone that wasn’t me, and getting upset if you talked to other people. I don’t know what it was that caused something to snap in me, but maybe it was the fact that you made me know emotion, and I was willing to do anything possible to not lose that. I slowly began to develop separation anxiety from you, having panic attacks if you left me alone for even just five minutes. My attachment was so bad that I ended up killing someone for the first time. It was to protect us. It was to make sure you wouldn’t choose them, wouldn’t leave me behind. Then it spiraled into murdering someone anytime they talked to you just once. It wasn’t healthy, I know, I know. Yet I still couldn’t make myself stop.

Even after we began dating it still wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to bury myself in your ribcage, to marry you even if we were only nineteen. I needed everyone to know they couldn’t have you, for I couldn’t lose you when you made me this way. You didn’t know about all the people I had killed, and it was a secret I was going to take to my grave.

I silently stare at you from the bed, watching as you study for your finals with a deep rooted sense of jealousy pouring through my veins. I didn’t like it when your attention was on me, even if I knew it was an unreasonable expectation.

“How long are you going to have to study before you finally look at me. I’m right here, you know.”

I murmur, my bottom lip jutting out into a pout. This wasn’t fair, none of it was.