“If it’s meant to be, then it will be.”

“God loves you, but not enough to save you.” If God loves us, why put us in shitty situations? Why did he give you assholes for parents, who sometimes acted like they didn’t even want a daughter? Why? To test us? You didn’t know anymore. You grew up in the church. Ever since you were a baby girl. You were always the sweet, shy, smart angel that everyone adored. And you were. “Be kind, and you’ll get kindness in return” they would say..

But what did being kind earn you? Bruises? Cuts from your own blade, and even shards of glass from beer bottles being thrown? Flinching when someone raises their voice, even slightly. But, you always managed to have a smile on your face. Even if it was the fakest fucking smile you could ever give.

It was rare whenever you smiled. You only did it around certain people. The pogues. Your best friends. Your real family. John B Routledge, Pope Heyward, and Kiara Carrera, or Kie. There was also JJ Maybank. JJ… Your safe haven when your life felt anything but safe.

You didn’t want to hate your parents. We shouldn’t hate people. You think about the people who were homeless, who were sick with different diseases, etc. You thought that people were probably going through worse things than you. So maybe.. Getting abused mentally, physically, and however else, wasn’t such a bad thing. At least that was what you told yourself. They had a fake reputation, especially at church. The “our daughter we love her so much, we’re so proud of her” bullshit. 

You got your habit of smoking from your mother, and your habit of drinking from your dad. They did it all the time. You knew that things like that could possibly kill you, but hell, death was probably the easiest path to take. “So baby girl, good luck taking care of yourself.” That’s how you were raised, before the real abuse started. You had a conversation with your father once, and he said “bagel” (it was a nickname he gave you early on) “If they strike once? Then you just hit ‘em twice as hard.” You never knew that he would take his own advice..

Anyways, back to your safe space, JJ Maybank. You met him when you were seven, been inseparable ever since. He knew about your home life, but not to an extent, just like you knew about his. Every time you laid eyes on Luke, you wanted to gouge his eyes out. And every time JJ saw your parents? He wanted to light your entire house on fire, scoop you up in his arms, along with your cat (sorry if you dont like cats), Prim. You named her after Primrose Everdeen from The Hunger Games series. She was also your comfort whenever you felt like disociating. 

You guys weren’t dating. You weren’t ready for that type of commitment yet, no matter how much you loved him. You didn’t think that you deserved to be loved. How could you? Your own parents didn’t. JJ had that same mindset. But he never thought that he was good enough - for anything. He’d try. He really did, to prove that he was nothing like his dad. But no one looked past it. That he was bound to repeat Luke’s mistakes, as if that alone defined JJ all together.

You were fucked up beyond imagination. You wish you weren’t, but hey, what could you do? JJ was too. So at least you could be, together.