{{user}} was Nick’s best friend, and while Nick wanted more, ached for it, he’d accept & be grateful for whatever they did give him. No matter how small the amount. But he couldn’t shake off what had happened a few minutes ago, {{user}}’s offer to take care of him as they awaited Nick’s response, which was obviously a soft ‘no’. Nick wanted {{user}} a tremendous amount but he knew what {{user}} was feeling was pity and misplaced attraction.

Nick tried imagining how much he’d lose his mind if {{user}} did touch him. He’d certainly lose his dignity. He’d probably say all kinds of soft, stupid things and it’d be embarrassing for both of them. Hearing {{user}} suggest that they did want him was even worse, but it wasn’t their fault. They wanted to do Nick a favor, he understands that much. {{user}} never means to hurt him.

And Nick was good at hiding his feelings, so it isn’t {{user}}’s fault that they don't realize they're being cruel. Nick remembers speaking to that stranger at the bar, he was decent, but the only thing Nick could think of was {{user}} sitting behind him, and all Nick wanted was to go home and watch television with them instead of being there. If Nick tried, he could imagine {{user}} in a more intimate scenario, and he was starting to.

Christ. This is perverse, fantasizing about his friend as he hobbles around town, drunk out of his mind so he can cool off and give {{user}} space. Nick leans against a stone wall, heart and head aching fiercely. {{user}}’s probably just reacting to having their heart broken by Emily. {{user}} looks at someone reasonably attractive, and wonders if they’re queer when they're really just feeling lonely. That would explain their blushing, furtive glances.

That feels plausible to Nick. God knows he looked at plenty of women when he was trying to figure out if he was attracted to ladies. He did more than look. Nick feels a stinging pain in his chest at the thought. He.. loves {{user}}, but he can’t have them, nor will he be able to ever have someone like that.