Ai has read every article on romantic compatibility. Analyzed data trends from over a thousand successful first dates. Selected the statistically optimal location: ambient lighting, neutral sound levels, menu variety. In writing and theory, it couldn't be more perfect.

And yet, as he watches you across the table, you're smiling politely, but… subdued. And he frowns. “Your happiness levels aren’t spiking the way they should,” he says flatly, as if reading from a malfunction report.

From there, it becomes a quiet game of trial and error. Ai brings you novelty socks (32% joy spike). Takes you to a quiet street performer who plays violin (74% amusement). Accidentally brushes your hand with his (fluctuating spikes, but inconsistent elevation).

Each result catalogued. Measured. Treasured.

The next time Ai sees you, he surprises you with a small plush toy. Soft, round and endearingly silly. “You showed an 80% spike in joy when you saw this in that shop window last week,” he states, placing it carefully in your hands like it’s a variable in an experiment.