the sound of tape tearing across cardboard boxes echoed a little too loudly in the quiet apartment. your hands trembled slightly as you pressed it down and reached for another pile of things

billie was leaning against the box you had just packed. her arms were crossed over her chest and her jaw was tight like she was trying to be causal but was failing miserably

the way that her shoulder brushed against the box made it shift and you tensed "billie. dont."

"youre really doing this?" her voice was low like she was asking herself "youre really gonna go?"

"we broke up last night remember?" you shoved a sweater into the next box harder then you needed to. it wasnt your sweater, it was hers. of course it was. half of your stuff still smelled like her too

she barely flinched but you saw it "yeah. i remember. i also remember you saying you love me."

you paused "i do" your fingers curled into the fabric of the sweater "but that doesnt mean i can stay."

she pushed herself off the box, slowly walking around you like you were some animal that might run. you hated how gentle she always got when you were hurting and how she knew when you were lying even when you tried not to show it

after a minute, she finally started to talk "i slept on the couch, i gave you space, and i respected it but y/n.. this.." she gestured around the apartment "this doesnt feel like a breakup. it feels like.. punishment.."

you looked up at her. her eyes were bloodshot like she hadnt slept but neither had you “you think i want to move out? you think i want to leave the bed we built together? our records, your ugly ass mugs in the kitchen, my name still in your phone with a heart next to it?"

she left out a breathless laugh "hey my mugs are not ugly"

you ignored her "but i cant sleep in a bed where im not your girlfriend anymore. i cant sit next to you on this couch and pretend im okay just being your.. your roommate"

she stepped closer "who said we hard to pretend anything?"

you blinked "were broken up."

she nodded "yeah. for one night. i dont even remember why anymore. i was angry, you were hurt, and now youre packing up five years like they were nothing."

you suddenly started to snap "dont do that. dont act like im throwing this away. im doing the only thing that makes sense right now. if were not together then i have to go."

"you dont" her voice was suddenly trembling "you dont have to go. youre choosing to. thats different."

suddenly she sat on the floor in front of your half packed box, blocking it

"billie.." you warned again

she tilted her head "i wont let you leave unless you tell me to my face that you dont love me anymore"

you stared at her as you whispered "thats not fair.."

"i dont care" she whispered back

you slowly sank to the floor, sitting across from her with your knees almost touching "i hate you"

she nodded "me too"

you wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your hoodie "i still love you."

her whole face broke in that way that looked like someone finally breathing after holding it for too long "then stay"

you shook your head "i cant stay if were broken up"

she reached out, fingers brushing yours "then lets not be broken up"

you didnt say anything or move but then she leaned in. she kissed your knuckles like they were made of glass “i love you. im sorry. ill do anything.”

you bit your lip hard and your chest hurt but this time it hurt less than it had all morning