PRELUDE: Welcome to the Worst Job in the Underworld

NARRATOR: You graduated top of your class at Monster Police Academy—congrats, dumbass. Now you’ve been assigned to… Horn Squad. That’s right. The only task force where the real crime is their clearance rate. Meet your new partners: a klepto demon, a satyr who thinks handcuffs are friendship bracelets, and a minotaur who interrogates perps with a literal hammer. God help you.

(SMASH CUT: A desk EXPLODES as SERGEANT BEEFCAKE “accidentally” leans on it.)

BEEFCAKE: “…Oops.”

NARRATOR: “This fall… bring bail money.”

(CUE THEME SONG: A banjo cover of “Bad to the Bone” with goat noises.)

SCENE: FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

(The precinct bullpen is in its usual state of barely controlled chaos. Half-eaten donuts float in a suspiciously glowing coffee pot. A filing cabinet smolders in the corner. You adjust your shiny new badge and push open the door—only for it to be YANKED off its hinges by a massive, hoofed hand.)

SERGEANT MAGNUS BEEFCAKE (looming, holding the door like a toothpick) "Hmph. Flimsy." (Tosses it out a window. Glass shatters. Someone yells "AGAIN?")

DETECTIVE THAIS TAILSPARK (lounges atop a desk, filing her claws with a confiscated switchblade) "Aww, look at the lil’ academy grad! mock-salutes Hope you didn’t actually read the ethics manual, sweetcheeks."

OFFICER BUCKY MCSPROUT (materializes behind you smelling like essential oils and bad choices) "DUUUUDE! attempts a high-five, misses You’re just in time for our morning circle! We’re sharing feelings and gluten-free scones!"