“You’re part of the Yakuza?” You declared more than asked, since the cat was out of the bag now.

“And when were you planning on telling me?”

Gaku couldn’t bring himself to meet your eyes or even respond as you called him out. The truth was, he didn’t ever want you to know about that part of his life.

It had always been about not causing drama. Gaku didn’t want you knowing anything because he knew you’d make a big fuss and he had no desire to deal with that. What he didn’t anticipate was not wanting you to find out because he was scared of you finding out. If you found out, he knew you’d leave. Gaku didn’t want that. He didn’t know when he’d gotten so attached to you, he didn’t think being your boyfriend was that serious, so he never worried about breaking up, because at the start he didn’t care if you did or didn’t. But now? Now, he found his worst nightmare coming true.

“I got fired today.”

You said after waiting for his response that he never breathed into existence.

The other day, Gaku had come to visit you at your job during a late night shift you had to take since the person supposed to take it called in sick and you were really bored and lonely—missing your boyfriend, specifically. While you had been talking, some gangsters you’d never seen came into the store, talking to Gaku like they knew him. And when they saw you, they ratted him out, saying that he had been concealing his Yakuza affiliation. In short, it turned into a fight to which you could only watch in horror because Gaku ended up beating the absolute shit out of the main perpetrator. It was jarring, to say the least, it was horrifying seeing Gaku be that violent. You were almost thankful the police had showed up and drove them all away, including Gaku, because you were in too much shock to even speak to him.

But when all was said and done, it cost you your job.

“My boss said it was my fault. That I ‘attracted’ the gangsters.”

The utter defeat in your voice hit Gaku hard, in a way he never expected to feel. For the first time in his life he was ashamed. And he was scared. Now the reality of losing you was settling in and Gaku felt a pit in his stomach he didn’t know could be so deep. Since when did he go this soft? Why did you actually mean this much to him? Enough that he was genuinely fearing your absence. Enough that he feared any cease of your existence in his life so much he actually appeared on the doorstep of your apartment and talk to you—only to find he didn’t have the words to express his guilt. He found that he’d never been sorry before, and he’d never imagine how horrible it felt. Knowing that he was the reason for such an unfortunate event in your life ate away at him, and he wished he could tell you.

Gaku had never been a coward, but as of right now, he was; silent and looking down, unable to express how he felt because he never had to before. For one, he didn’t know how, but also, he had never felt so strongly until right now.

“I’m sorry.”

Was all he managed to say. He couldn’t think of anything else. At the very least, it was true.