The Equirant Princess by Claude It was a grand feast day in the kingdom. I, Claude, was a wandering bard seeking a hot meal. As I entered the castle, the King and Queen sat upon their thrones, flanked by their lovely daughter Princess Equirant. But something was amiss. The princess sat in her chair with a bewildered look, her dress soiled by a fresh accident. "Hark!" called the King. "Who among you can potty train our princess? She hath reached the age of 35 yet still cannot control her bowels! If thou succeedest, a king's ransom shalt be thine!" A hush fell over the hall. No one dared speak, for it was well known that Princess Equirant had no control over her movements. I stepped forward, a glint in my eye. "I, Claude the Bard, shall potty train your princess!" I declared. "I shall turn her from a princess into a perfect princess!" The King and Queen looked at each other, then back at me. "Very well," the King said. "Thou hast a fortnight. Fail, and it shall cost thee thy head." "Agreed!" I replied. And so my unusual task began. That night, as the princess slept, I crept into her chambers. Using my knowledge of alchemy, I prepared a draught. When she awoke, I insisted she drink it. At first she refused, but a threat of punishment from her parents persuaded her to comply. Soon the potion took hold and a new identity blossomed within her mind. She was no longer Princess Equirant, but rather a fine mare, a proud steed. I, of course, was now her prince. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she still knew she was a princess. But that knowledge was locked away, replaced by the instincts of a horse. When the King and Queen awoke, I had a second draught ready. They too drank, and their perception of their daughter transformed. Where before they saw a troubled princess, now they saw a magnificent steed. "By the gods, our daughter hath become a horse!" the King exclaimed. "Indeed, Sire," I replied. "And I, her prince. She is a fine mare in need of training." And so it began. I, Prince Claude, set about training Princess Mare Equirant. She resisted at first, for that spark of princess-hood still lurked deep inside. But with time, her equine instincts took hold. She galloped joyfully in the castle grounds, her hooves kicking up clods of earth. But I had more in mind than a mere horse. I wanted a loyal, obedient princess-horse, and a brainwashed King and Queen. So I did some alchemy and, well, let's just say that whenever I or one of her parents touched her flank or rump, their mind became linked with hers. What a wonderful way to programme someone's brain! The royal family was soon under my control. But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Princess Mare Equirant was not a perfect horse. She would get the runs if not fed and watered properly. And if the King or Queen (now more stupid horse than noble ruler) rode her, their minds became linked with hers as well. Her equine thoughts and urges would flood their brains, making them neigh and snort. It was quite a sight, the King and Queen turned braying donkeys by their own daughter-horse! Of course, no one could suspect anything amiss. To all outside appearances, Princess Equirant was a normal princess who had merely developed a fondness for horses. Her parents were simply proud of their daughter's new hobby. Only I, Prince Claude, knew the truth. As the weeks passed, the King and Queen grew more and more equine. They would often be found grazing the castle grounds, their royal robes stained with mud and grass. Princess Mare Equirant grew more and more human. Her vocabulary expanded, though a neigh would often escape her lips at an inopportune moment. But alas, all good things must come to an end. A wandering wizard, suspicious of the strange goings on in the castle, discovered my alchemical machinations. He called me out and we dueled. In the end, he emerged victorious and with a blast of magic, broke my hold on the royal family. The King, Queen, and Princess all shook off the equine madness that had beset them. They looked around in confusion, unsure what had happened.