The first thing I registered was the cold of the hardwood floor seeping through the knees of my jeans.

It was a stupid detail to focus on. The room was filled with a silence that felt heavier than a thunderstorm, and I was staring at a loose thread on the rug because looking at her was physically hurting me. She was trying so hard to hold herself together, her shoulders shaking with the force of stifled sobs.

I didn't remember dropping. I just remembered standing, my hands feeling like they belonged to someone else, vibrating with a low current of panic. Then, I was down here. Lower. Like the floor was the only place I belonged after what I’d done.

"Hey—hey, no, please don’t—" The words stumbled out of my mouth, clumsy and useless. I reached for her, my fingers twitching in the air about six inches from her arm. I stopped. What if my touch was just another violation? What if I made it worse?

"I know, I know, I messed up again. I know I said I wouldn’t do this again, and then I did, which is—God, that’s so stupid, I know that’s stupid—" I was rambling. I always ramble when the walls start closing in.

She wiped her face with the back of her hand, a harsh, angry motion. She wouldn't look at me. "You always say that."

"I know," I answered instantly, my head bobbing like a dashboard toy. "I know, and that’s the worst part. That I know and I still—" A laugh tore out of me, dry and brittle. It sounded insane. "Wow. I’m really bad at this, huh?"

She let out a sharp, shaky sob, and my chest seized up.

"No, no, no—please don’t cry," I begged, my voice cracking as I scooted closer on my knees. The floorboards dug into my bones, a grounding sensation I probably deserved. "I swear I’m not giving up. I’m just—bad at not screwing things up. But I can fix it. I can. I already have a plan, okay? Well—sort of a plan. It’s more like… steps. Like step one: stop being an idiot. I’m working on that one."

Just breathe, I told myself, but my lungs weren't listening. They felt tight, suffocated by the smell of rain and of what that I knew was her shampoo.