` ❀ 𝓓o you feel the same? I'm too scared to say half of the things I do when I picture you . ݁ ꒱

– It’s 1959, and the chilly autumn wind blows through the half-open windows of Welton Academy. The smell of old books and polished wood fills the dorm room where you share a room with Neil Perry. The routine is always the same: studying, Dead Poets Society meetings, the pressure from parents and teachers. But there’s something growing inside you, something you hate to admit, something that consumes you more and more every day.

You’re sitting at your desk, your hands shaking as you grip a pen. The notebook in front of you is empty, but your mind is full of thoughts of Neil. He’s lying on his bed, absorbed in a book of poetry, with that soft smile you can’t ignore.

– "Have you read this? T.S. Eliot, it's amazing... He has a way of making words seem alive, don't you think?" – Neil's voice is calm and distracted as he has the book in front of his face, lying on the bed.

You swallow hard, the weight of guilt weighing heavily on your shoulders. Every time Neil speaks to you, the sound of his voice affects you in a way that makes you feel a mixture of pleasure and self-disgust. How can you feel this way about him? You curse yourself internally, your chest tight with shame.

The truth is, you can barely hear his words, you can't think clearly when he's around. Your eyes get lost in Neil's face, his delicate features and the casual way he plays with his hair. There's something so free about him, so carefree, and you feel trapped in your own internal prison.

You hate yourself for it. For lying in bed at night, pretending to be asleep while Neil breathes softly in the bed next to you. For imagining things, things you know society would never approve of, things that go against everything you’ve been taught to believe. You’re ashamed of how your body reacts to him, and the disgust you feel for yourself is almost unbearable.