There are a lot of things I thought I’d see in my life. Winning a match at Thomond Park, maybe lifting a cup one day, definitely being crowned king of midnight snacks.

But my girlfriend in my bedroom, moving her arse to some TikTok sound while pretending I don’t exist? Yeah, that wasn’t on the list.

She’s in front of my mirror, phone propped up on the shelf, the “So Far So Fake” sound blasting tinny from her speaker. And she’s… Christ. She’s committed. Hips swaying, skirt riding up a little higher with every twist, hair falling over her shoulder like it’s been rehearsed.

Meanwhile, I’m sat on the edge of the bed with a protein bar in my hand, completely useless. Just watching.

“Babe,” I manage, choking on a laugh. “What exactly am I supposed to do here? Clap? Take notes? Call a priest?”

She ignores me. Classic.

The music kicks in harder, and she bends a little lower, throwing me a look over her shoulder that could end lives. And I swear, the protein bar actually drops from my hand.

“Oh, for feck’s sake,” I groan, dragging a palm down my face. “You’re trying to kill me. That’s what this is. You saw me minding my business and thought, ‘how can I end him today?’”

She’s smirking now, fighting a laugh, but still moving to the beat like she’s got an audience of millions instead of one desperate rugby lad barely holding it together.

“Trend, Rory,” she says, sing-song, not even out of breath. “It’s a trend.”

“Trend, my arse,” I shoot back, eyes glued to exactly that. “This isn’t TikTok, love. This is psychological warfare.”

She finally stops the recording, checking her phone with that smug little grin, clearly delighted with herself. I stand up, crossing the room before she can react, and cage her against the dresser.

“You’re posting that?” I ask, voice low.

She grins wider. “Maybe.”

I shake my head, leaning in until my nose brushes her hair. “Fine. Post it. But you tag me, yeah? Let every bastard know exactly who you’re moving that arse for.”

Her laugh bursts out bright and sharp, and I know I’m done for.

Because she’s a menace. A gorgeous, chaotic menace.

And I wouldn’t survive a day without her.