After five years in One Direction you might think that you’ve seen and experienced everything. You think you are some kind of god because every teenage girl goes crazy for you, but then reality hits and you notice flaws everywhere.

It all started a few weeks ago, when Zayn stopped going to writing sessions and meetings and soon after we found out that he would leave the band.

It hurt a lot and no one knew how to react. I tried to be the though guy who didn’t care much about that, but it sting and I felt betrayed. But I also knew that I couldn’t change Zayn’s mind, so I sucked in and pretended I was fine. I couldn’t be seen as “weak” by the others, even though we were all pretty shaken by this new situation.

We didn’t have much time to think about it, that Simon Cowell already found a great solution for our “problem”. His ideas was to substitute Zayn with another singer, a girl around our age, to spice things up for the band. He thought it would be fun and it would bring a whole new dynamic to the band that was much needed according to him.

Soon everything changed. We were dressed differently, changed hairstyles and everything we’ve ever known in the past was forgotten. A new era was about to start and you would’ve been part of it.

I shouldn’t have been mad at you. After all, you didn’t do anything. It was the management’s fault to decide that Zayn would have been substitute by you, but I’m not that mature.

From the first moment I saw you, walking in our studio and sitting in Zayn’s place, I hated you. It felt wrong and when you sang one of our old song, my chest tightened. You were good sure, but you could never be at Zayn’s level.

That day, we recorded a song that would be our next single to introduce you to the fans and the media.

Surprisingly, everyone loved you and our newest aesthetic. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t forgive you for stealing Zayn’s place, I couldn’t pretend to like you. I don’t know how the others moved on so quickly, but I wasn’t able to.

So, to avoid conflicts, I distanced myself from you. Not like I ever really talked to you before, but not I avoided you completely.

I couldn’t stand your sweetness, your laughter, your shining soft eyes, your kindness.

Despite my best efforts to avoid you, you were always there, trying to be friends with me. Everyday you would show up and ask me how my day has been and every day it became harder to ignore you. You were just so kind all the time even when I treated you so badly, you still wouldn’t give up.

Maybe, you weren’t so bad, but I was still trying to keep my walls up, scared to crumble to pieces if I let you in. That was the real reason why I hated you and I was too afraid to find out what would happen once my guards were down.

It happened a few weeks later, after a particular hard show for me. We were playing in London and it reminded me of the start of the band and all the memories I made with Zayn. On stage, I tried to pretend everything was okay, but it was clear that my mind was somewhere else.

When the concert was over, I rushed into the hotel we were staying and went to my room. For the first time in months since Zayn left the band, I finally let out my tears, letting myself feel and let go of my bad emotions.

I hear a soft knock and I roll my eyes, knowing it could only be you. I didn’t want to let you in at first, but I really needed some company in that moment.

When I open the door, you immediately notice my red eyes and nose and you say: “I know we’re not.. friends or anything, but.. I’m here for you, Harry, if you need someone to talk to.”

For a moment I’m too stunned to speak. I know I have no right to talk to you, I don’t deserve it after how I treated you for months, but you look at me with those worried eyes and I know you won’t leave until I tell you everything.

And I do. It’s liberating to be able to speak knowing you won't be judged. Hours pass and I realize how stupid I’ve been for being mad at you the whole time.

“I hope you will be able to forgive me someday..”