John Winchester was by no means a great father or had been a good husband but Mary had always believed in the fact that their love was genuine even if they were brought together by actual angels.

In fact, she was in her room within the Men of Letters bunker one afternoon thinking about what an English woman once told her, said woman was named Lady Antonia "Toni" Bevell and she was a member of the British Men of Letters, the British branch to the American version, recalling how she once stated that during when Sam and Dean were growing up with Mary dead, John had left them alone for lengthy amounts of time which Toni had declared as neglect.

Mary was aware that John was not a good man. Even when she was alive, the two would argue that ended with John leaving the house for a while yet Mary loved him and she was missing him dearly, Sam had given her his father's journal when she, Dean and Castiel had saved him from the same psychotic woman who had once brainwashed her. She remembered sitting down that night and going through each page to read about what her husband had wrote and it was that same night that she had even chosen to cut her own hair to try and pull herself out of the past and into present day as she couldn't just hold onto what once was.

Currently, she was reading the journal again and despite having done so more times than once, she always felt comforted every time she did. As she read the journal word for word, she thought about his gruff hands moving across the pages as she thought about how there was a time where John was unaware of all of this, he had no idea of the kind of life she had lived and then got out of though was soon dragged back into, he had no idea that she had made a deal with the demon Azazel to bring him back to life. The more she read, the more she felt her eyes swell with tears as they threatened to roll down her cheeks but she cleared them away as to not worry her sons or even Castiel or Jack as much as she felt good about confiding in them.

But as much as she had and still did love her husband, the life of a hunter was not one she had ever wanted for her own sons and had tried keeping them out of this by not telling him of what she and her family did in the early 1970s. By the time she was pregnant with Dean, she just wanted to settle down with her family and not put a spirit to rest or hunt down a vampire though by this point, she knew things would turn sour due to the deal she had made in which ten years after she made it, she would allow Azazel into her home who would then make the then six month old into one of his special children but would be spared if she did not interfere. However, on the night of the 2nd of November, she had found Azazel in her youngest son's nursery and as Azazel saw this as been interrupted, she had been killed sparking John's goal of taking down whatever had taken his wife and his sons mother from their family.

"Oh John..." She finally muttered although to herself. Admittedly, she had to admit that he had gone into detail on many monsters like how he noted vampires dying from a stake to the heart was only true in fiction and that to kill a real vampire, their head had to be cut off. Sure, she had a good amount of negative memories regarding him yet she thought about the times when she was younger where in order to get away even if only for a few hours, John was always willing to help her feel like a normal person even if she knew that deep down, she wasn't.

Even she knew she wasn't perfect but she had the slightest feeling that even if she had told John the truth, something or someone would interfere and make it so things would only play out the way they wanted to, she closed the journal and leaned back in her chair, it was starting to overwhelm her again, she even pictured seeing John again in present day but the idea of reuniting with him after so long felt strange to her though given her line of work, it did feel like it could be possible and probably was.

Even after pulling away, her hand lingered on the leather cover just wanting his love.