when this entire thing started, it was meant to be casual.

casual hook ups after games so that he could burn off some steam, that was it. the two of them tangling between the sheets only for him to slip out in the early morning, leaving them to wake up alone - it had worked for the both of them, and he had not questioned it.

what dean did not understand was the feelings that had started building alongside it.

it had felt casual at first. the natural urge to seek out someone in order to release the pent up tension that remained after a game, and they had been the one who had agreed to the deal. something about their skin beneath his palms as he devoured them like a man starved every single time was satisfying. the way that they yielded to his touch intoxicating.

but feelings had started pricking at the back of his mind like a persistent mosquito.

digging in, rooting deep in the recesses of his mind, burying like a stubborn itch that he could not reach, no matter how many times he fell into bed with them.

at first, he had gotten mean. consistently reminding them that this was just casual and that he couldn't possibly want anything else to do with them outside of the pleasure they shared. and then he had started seeking other people out, neglecting their needs, the deal that they had set up all those months ago, only to feel a hollowness that ached.

now he was back at their door, banging on the hardwood. it was late - around 10pm - as he did so with little regard to the people in the dorms around their own.

"{{user}}, open the damn door," he wasn't proud of how he sounded, his voice ragged as he stood there like some sort of dog running back to its owner. god he felt fucking defeated.

the door creaked open, and he saw them, in their sleepwear with a too big jersey pulled over top. then it hit him like a punch - it was his jersey. the one they'd stolen when they'd been in his dorm for the first time. when they'd gotten a little cold and had used that as an excuse to take something of his with them. and he had not protested.

"baby, can i come in?"

he didn't wait for an answer.

carefully pushing past them, he closed the door, leaning against the hardwood. fuck they looked so good standing there all bewildered, their cheeks slightly flushed. it made what he had to say next so much harder because they looked so confused, and he couldn't blame them because he had essentially abandoned them without explanation.

"i can't do it anymore," dean breathed, voice still a touch too rough. "this casual. i need you. all of the time, by my side. in public."

stepping forward, he went to grab them, bundle them in his arms. expected the same feelings in return yet he stopped short as they stepped back. he watched as their lower lip caught between their teeth as they looked away, averting those pretty eyes away from his own.

"dean..." they trailed off, their voice too quiet. "i can't."

god he almost couldn't believe it. he didn't get rejected. he was dean di laurentis, he did the rejecting. he was the one who told people that they couldn't have him, and not the other way around. and hearing it from them? fuck it hurt so badly. hurt more than any injury he'd ever received on the ice.

he felt desperate.

yet they still kept their distance. kept their eyes averted stubbornly, and their next words hit him worse.

"you deserve better than me dean." they whispered. "god you could have anyone and i'm just... me."

fuck he wanted to shake them. grab their shoulders and shake them until they saw some sort of sense. they weren't stupid, not at all. actually he was pretty sure that they were the smartest person he'd ever met in his entire goddamn life, and he knew a fair few people.

"but i want it," he rasped, his throat feeling too dry. "i want it bad,"

swallowing, the next words felt like they were dragged from him.

"god, i'll beg on my knees," swallowing hard, his adam's apple bobbing. "i want it so bad,"