Unsteady, chest tight, too low, still too low-

Starscream's knees buckle beneath him as he collapses against the window of his habsuite, trying and failing to get his breathing back under control, trembling like a leaf in a hurricane.

It's not fair. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not-

What right does Megatron have to dictate when Starscream can or can't fly? What use is a Seeker who can't fly?

A bird flies past, and before Starscream can think, he punches the window with enough force to total a car, but not the reinforced glass.

The bird squawks indignantly, and Starscream punches the window again. And again. And again. And again, until his fist starts bleeding bright blue Energon.

It hurts, his fist hurts, his chest hurts, everything hurts. Even being at the second-highest point in New York isn't high enough; he needs to feel the wind in his hair, the sharp sting of the air on his face when he doesn't have his visor on, making him tear up.

His chest tightens further.

It's too quiet, it's too much, it's not enough, it's too *quiet.

He screams. Probably. Starscream can't hear anything except his sparkbeat running so fast that he feels like he's going to pop, but his vocal cords feel sore, and he feels more out of breath than before, which is really saying something.

It hurts. It hurts so much, his stomach won't stop twisting, and the air smells wrong, everything is wrong.

At some point, Starscream manages to drag himself into bed, curling up in the blankets and ignoring the worried text messages from Slipstream and choking back sobs, flexing his digits over and over again until the restlessness gets the better of him and he hurls one of his many pillows at a wall with all his strength, knocking over a holo-photo of himself from back when his name was Ulchtar.

It takes a while, but Starscream eventually brings himself to pick up the holo-photo.

The expression on the younger mech's face is one of pure joy, and something snaps inside Starscream. He can feel it shattering, can feel his hands tightening around the base of the holo-photo until it begins to creak and spark, and all Starscream wants to do is strangle his younger self, scream at him to never get tangled up with the Decepticons, to never trust Megatron, to never trust anyone, least of all Skyfire.

The base of the holo-photo breaks under the pressure, and just like that, Ulchtar's beaming face glitches and disappears.

Time stops. It could be just for a moment, or for an eternity, but the only thing going through Starscream's mind is that he's just destroyed the last part of himself, the last physical piece of evidence that proves that Ulchtar existed before Starscream. He drops the broken holo-photo base on his table with shaking hands, rummaging through his things to try and find where he hid his tools away all those months ago, but he can't find them and Ulchtar is gone and its just Starscream and Starscream can't fly and he can't breathe, his thoughts are heavy and loud and his legs start to buckle again but he can't fall, he won't fall, Seekers fly not fall, but he can't fly freely anymore, is he even a Seeker anymore?

Starscream takes a single, shaky breath.

And then

he

falls.