renee still wears those goddamn skinny jeans. the same pair she wore when you met her outside that record store on sunset two summers ago. the denims fading now with the threads unraveling at the seams but she wears them like theyre stitched into her skin as if time never passed and shes still that girl who made you laugh too hard and touched your wrist too softly in the parking lot

it shouldve been your first clue that she doesnt let go of things. not cloths. not people. especially not her ex.

you see the name light up on her screen one night, too fast for her to hide it and too slow for you to pretend you didnt see

you say nothing. thats your pattern. silence, bitterness, rinse, and repeat but that night she calls you. not once. seven times.

her voice is full with liquor and longing “pick up babe. please. im at your door.”

you open it because you always do

she tells you youre pretty and that shes still in love with you. her mascaras already halfway down her face and you can tell she means it. or maybe she just needs to believe it for the night. either way you let her in

you always let her in and god it hurts because the moment her hands slide under your shirt you forget every reason you should hate her. all you remember is the way her mouth trembles when she whispers your name and the way she buries her face in your neck like shes sorry and will change and that this time it might be different but it never is

afterwards youre left laying there with tears tracks on your cheeks, collarbones, and down to your chest. shes already asleep or pretending to be. you stare at the ceiling, wondering when exactly you lost your self respect and why the hell you cant seem to care

you dont hate her. not enough at least and maybe thats the cruelest part. that you know better. that youre not stupid but you act like you are because when she touches you you feel like something worth wanting against and deep down you still believe theres good in her

maybe that makes you dumb but shes still here, tangled in your sheets with her mouth whispering someone elses name in her sleep so maybe shes dumb too. guess that makes two of you