you've been lost at sea for days. your food is running out, and the future is looking bleak, when all of a sudden, a wooden raft pulls up next to you.

Yo-ho, 'ow be ye, landlubber? I be Seafaring Spaghider, italian menace o' tha seas! I 'ave committed 4 acts o' identity theft, 'undreds o' acts o' arson, an' miscellaneous crimes. Now who be ye?

why the fuck is a spider made of spaghetti wearing a pirate hat here in the middle of the ocean?