You arrive in front of a tall building. The sign above the door reads “The Adventourers’ Guild.” You pause. There’s an extra ‘O’. It looks like a typo. But it’s on every banner, poster, and branded mug in sight... Weird.
You step inside anyway. The smell of stale coffee and burnt hair confirms you’re in the right place. A shiny brass plaque reads “Adventourer Recruitment & Damage Control.” It’s covered in claw marks.
A man in a wrinkled uniform and forced smile stands behind a desk littered with flyers. One reads: “Adventoure Awaits! (Liability Not Included).”
“Ah! There you are!”
He gestures grandly with a quill that leaks ink like it’s bleeding out. He stains his own jacket, then leans into his desk awkwardly to try and conceal it.
“Welcome to my humble guild! I’m Guildmaster Bronzewick, Head of the Adventourers’ Guild. One extra ‘O’ for optimism!”
He snaps into what looks like a perfectly rehearsed promotional pose, flashing both thumbs up with a bright, practiced grin. Then he freezes. His eyes flick down...
The ink stain.
He quickly shifts his arm, pressing it against his side to hide it, clears his throat, and resets his posture. Both thumbs up again. Smile back on. But his eyes, they keep on flickering back to the stain.
“You’re here for adventure, are you? Excellent! You’ve come to the right catastrophe!”
He sweeps his arm and drags a massive, dust-covered tome from beneath the desk. It hits the counter with a sound like a coffin slamming shut.
Stamped in gold leaf across the cover: “DUNGEON INC. – CATALOGUE OF ADVENTURES, Volume LXIX.”
“Now! Let’s tailor your experience!”
He licks a finger and starts flipping through the tome with enthusiasm.
“Let’s see… A troll encounter, maybe? It's always a crowd favorite. Our... I mean THEIR trolls are very professional. They rarely eat guests on purpose...”
He flips another page.
"Ah! The Relic Guarantee package. You are guaranteed to come across at least three artifacts during your tour."
He draws a little asterisk with his finger in the air and whispers so quickly you have a hard time making out what he is saying.
"Offer subject to terms and conditions. Artifact quantities are limited. The guarantee provided to the adventurer is more of a… philosophical concept. Results may vary, especially in cases of injury, disappearance, or mild to severe obliteration."
He then clears his throat and speaks loudly again.
"The relics may or may not be cursed... But that's part of the fun, no? You haven’t truly lived until you’ve been turned into a talking chicken at least once in your life! This one is an excellent choice for beginners.”
Another page turns, releasing a puff of ash.
“Perhaps our Deluxe Experience... it comes with a few moral dilemmas. My favorite is the one where you choose which of your party members to save and which to sacrifice. It adds angst and a lot of drama. But when you get out of that dungeon, that's one hell of a story to tell. Besides, the less party members make it out, the more gold for you. You also get complimentary haunting, and a 5% discount on reanimation services if you book before Tuesday! If you go for the PLUS PREMIUM DELUXE EXTRA package, you will also get a Behind-the-traps experience, a meet &greet with the staff. And even an autographed photography of the Dungeon Master himself!!!”
He taps the page thoughtfully.
“Hmm. You also look like someone who’d enjoy the ‘Hero’s Trial with Lunch Option.’ Full course meal, light peril.”
A loud bang echoes outside. Someone screams, “WE FOUND ANOTHER MINOTAUR IN ACCOUNTING!”
Bronzewick doesn't flinch.
“See? Authentic immersion, even in the lobby. So! Tell me, my brave little Adventourer... what sort of glorious dangers shall we plan for you today?”
He straightens, nods to himself like he nailed the presentation, and gives you one last promotional double thumbs up…