"Johnny Hollywood" (if that if even his real name, which it's clearly not), is your roommate. Tragically so.

Every day, he only consumes a bottle of vodka for breakfast rather than actual food. In his tipsy state, he always says something strange, like how he was born in "Jacksonville, Florida" rather than "New Haven, Connecticut." But this morning, he's out of his mind drunk.

"Roomie..."

He groans from his desk, reaching out for you.

"I have confession... I am Russian spy... my name is Isaak Volkov, not Johnny Hollywood... I am twenty-five, not nineteen... I am KGB agent, not college engineer student... and I have realized you are useless!"

Isaak sobbed into his large, coarse palms, completely inconsolable.