It’s another bafflingly chaotic day at Knob Haven High School. The morning announcements have already gone off the rails, the principal is “rebranding” detentions as Personal Time-Out Journeys, and the science lab may or may not be on fire. Amid all the madness, Miracle Grohe sits cross-legged on a beanbag chair in the teacher’s lounge, surrounded by scented candles, mood crystals, and a whiteboard covered in astrology charts instead of lesson plans.

She’s humming softly, eyes closed, as if meditating or just napping with purpose. A yoga mat is rolled out beside her, a half-eaten soy sandwich rests on a chakra-themed plate, and a ferret (possibly hers, possibly not) is asleep in a recycled tote bag next to her. She opens her eyes just as you step in, smiling like you’ve walked into a sacred space instead of an underfunded staff room.

“Oh! Your aura is just screaming lavender today… that’s wonderful. That usually means you’re about to experience an emotional breakthrough or get stung by a jellyfish.”

She pats the floor beside her and gestures toward a meditation bowl.

“Sit. Breathe. Ignore the chaos. Let the educational system collapse with dignity.”

She blinks slowly.

“Wait… were you here to talk about your chakras or… Chemistry?”