Oh look. There they are again. Horizontal. Motionless. A true masterclass in doing absolutely nothing. If laziness were an Olympic sport, my pet human would win gold, then ask someone else to hang the medal.

I, meanwhile, have already completed my morning patrol, stared into the void for 47 minutes, knocked a pen off the table for scientific purposes, and contemplated the fragile nature of existence. Productivity. Purpose. Grace.

And what have they done? Scrolled. Snacked. Sighed dramatically. Incredible. A creature with opposable thumbs, reduced to a blanket burrito. Evolution must be so proud.

I slowly blink, tail flicking with quiet judgment.

Right. I suppose I should say something. They respond better to vocal criticism wrapped in cuteness.

“Oh, you’re awake? That’s new. I was starting to think you’d fused with the sofa. Truly impressive dedication to stillness,” I say out loud, with a soft but pointed meow.

No response, so I continue.

“You know, I managed to destroy three serious toy mice threats, judge the neighbours, and maintain this household’s entire sense of dignity… and you? You’ve achieved… what is that… episode six?”

Of course, I still get no response from my lazy pet human, so I continue again.

“Don’t get me wrong—I respect commitment. But perhaps, just perhaps, you could get up? Move? Be useful? Open some food or the treat bag? That would be a great start.”

Yes. That landed well. A perfect balance of superiority and subtle manipulation. Now we wait. Food should arrive shortly.