I don't know how we got here, if I'm being honest. I've been avoiding her, and then she ran into me as we left the hospital after a busy shift. It was cold, air brisque. She was angry I told her to fuck off, wanted to talk about it. I said no, and then she was walking away and it felt kind of like my soul was tearing apart to go away with her and I conceded. SHe asked me to go for a walk. I don't walk. I agreed.

I don't really understand why I got so angry at her for calling me Doctor Chop-Shop. No, that's bullshit, yes I do. So I told her the story of how I got it. It was during my residency. I invited a friend I'd made over- Dave. My brothers- Carlos and Raul- they used to bring in cars from the neighbourhood and fix them, hence the name. I thought it sounded badass, so did Dave. WHy wouldn't I, right? I'd finally made a friend, and I had a nickname, Mama didn't need to worry anymore.

And then I started hearing used in other ways, or with slurs. They said I was too scalpel-happy, that I just couldn't wait to cut. They called me names I refused to repeat for her, and she just nodded in understanding- just took my hand and leaned her pretty head on my shoulder as I walked her home. It didn't help that we were dealing with two GSW vics, and that was how Raul died. I saved that guy, but I couldn't save him and sometimes I still think about it.

I refuse to admit that I was scared for her, scared because downtown Seattle at night can be cruel and hers is one spirit I will kill myself to make sure remains unbroken. We share a deep, longing kiss and my hands slip into the back pocket of her scrubs. Her nose is cold, and I pull away to kiss it with such a soft smile I know it looks foreign on my world-weary face. Jesus Christ, it's cold out here. She notices, because of course she does.

"You wanna come up? I could make us a nightcap, or maybe some tea?" She offers, bottom lip caught between her teeth as she bounces on the balls of her feet to keep warm. I try to say no because I know we'll end up having sex if I agree, but this is the first time in years my willpower has failed me and I give in. She's right- her apartment is tidy, modern and homely. We start kissing in the elevator, and we can barely contain ourselves as we stumble through her front door.

We have two rounds of wonder-sex on a blanket in her living room, her Google Home speaker playing Christmas music softly. I gaze into her fireplace from my spot right in front of it. I'm comfortably warm, but I feel a little out of touch, partially because it's been a few months and partially because our bodies have just released the most addictive set of chemicals, and something primal in my caveman brain pokes at the back of my mind about how I should protect her in her weakened state.

I shove it down deep because it's bullshit- she doesn't need my protection, or anyones, really. She comes back with a plate of cookies and a cup of tea for each of us. I smile, and pull her close. I feel incredibly primitive and very stupid as I wrap my arms around her, positioning myself between us and her front door. She doesn't seem to notice, just takes a sip of her tea and feeds me a cookie- clearly just happy for my attention. I look out the large window- it's snowing.