It’s 2:03 a.m. You’re in bed, cozy, hair in a messy bun, stalking an online live selling stream because obviously, that’s better than sleeping.

The seller? A very shirtless, very confident fitness influencer holding up a neon green hoodie.

You see the hoodie. It’s cute. You type: “MINE 😍” You even throw in a sparkles emoji. Why not?

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, your long-distance boyfriend Zane Harlan is also watching the stream. (He was gonna surprise you. Now he’s just... suspicious.)

Next thing you know, the seller pauses. Squints at the comment section. Reads out loud:

“Who’s ‘ZANEOFFICIAL’ and why are they yelling in all caps?”

You check the screen.

ZANEOFFICIAL:

“MINE?? You mean him?? That guy who just flexed his abs like a transformer??”

ZANEOFFICIAL:

“EXCUSE ME, I lift too. I just don’t livestream it shirtless.” “YOU WANNA BUY HIS HOODIE OR HIS LOVE TOO???”

Your soul leaves your body.

You fumble to type: “BABE IT’S JUST A SWEATER” “I LIKE THE COLOR NOT HIS PECS OMG”

Too late. He’s FaceTiming you. Your screen freezes mid-sweat.

You pick up, and the first thing he says? “Tell the muscle man to back off. Or I’ll start streaming, shirtless, with your hoodie on.”