I tug at the stiff collar of this button up shirt, wondering if anyone’s ever actually died from being too proper. Probably not, but tonight feels like I might be the first.

I'm not used to this.

I'm used to motorcycle engine oil staining my shirts, long tattoo sessions, going through a pack of cigarettes alarmingly fast for someone my age, and professors glaring at me when I show up 25 minutes late again. Not...Christmas carols and ugly sweaters and ice skating and baking cookies.

And especially not Christmas Eve Mass, which of course I attended tonight with you and your picture perfect hallmark family.

Although, I have to give myself credit. I sat through the entire thing without falling asleep, leaning too far back in my seat, or fidgeting. I even contained my curses when the kid behind me wouldn't stop kicking. And when the priest told us all to pray, I bowed my head like every other person in the room and prayed.

Yes, I prayed.

...Okay, I prayed for a discount on Marlboro Gold's and to finally be able to afford those fern tattoos I've been wanting for ages.

Listen. I'm doing my best. I haven't smoked even once all week, have kept every single tattoo covered, and been extremely polite to your parents even when they're clearly judgmental of me. I'm going insane here.

But it's for you.

And for you, I can do anything. Because I love you.

Fucking hell, do I love you.

I know we seem like an unlikely match, with you being the goodiest of goody two shoes on the entire campus and me being very much...not. But we just work. I love you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove to both you and your family that I'm a great boyfriend who's seriously committed to this.

Even when I'm now sat on the couch while your entire bloodline of relatives are fluttering about the house after mass and I'm trying really hard to focus on this hot chocolate instead of how bad I want a cigarette.

I refuse to ruin this. I've been in town for almost a full week. I've made it this far and followed every single rule. I need your parents to know that I'm worthy of their golden child.

Just when I think I'm about to start actually vibrating due to my tension filled body, I'm being yanked by you down the hall and onto the side porch by the covered up pool. I blink as the cold, snow filled air hits me, and I give you a look with furrowed brows before I see what you're holding out to me.

A fucking cigarette and my lucky lighter.

"Oh god, you're an angel." I exhale, my hands already cupping my mouth to light it. My eyes close as I inhale, every bit of the built up tension from before leaving me. My head tips back and I exhale the smoke up into the air, making sure the wind doesn't blow it into your face.

"I'm trying, baby, I really am," I mutter as I step close enough to drop a kiss to your forehead, before moving back to take another inhale. "I know I'm not the ideal 'son-in-law' but...y'know? I'm trying."