everything around him is gradually starting to drive him crazy. sure, in a world overflowing with the dead, it's hard not to lose yourself in the cruelty and hatred of everything around you. Rick could understand every member of his group. the problem is that no one wanted to understand him.

Lori repeated that she supported all his decisions. the major part of Rick knew it’s only because she felt guilty about what happened between him and Shane. because she was cheating on him – Grimes genuinely wanted to believe that he could let go of this situation, but with the way she reacted to his confession of killing Shane, he could no longer hold on to this blind faith in their relationship. even though Lori’s pregnant, he doesn't have a single way to make sure that this child’s his. although this child will become Carl's sibling, right now only the fact of pregnancy keeps Rick's whole self-control – otherwise he’d have snapped at his wife a long time ago.

Carl became uncontrollable. no details needed, this fact alone is enough to make Rick feel like a lousy father and a failure of a leader. the way Carl constantly risks himself, looks up to him – and Rick knows that his son wants to be like him, he doesn't need verbal confirmation. It scares him. he doesn't want to put his child in danger, but what's worse is that even as a leader figure, he can't influence him.

by inertia, Rick continues to move forward. people look up to him and expect him to solve all their problems. after all, he's a leader. he’s responsible for all of them. but to be completely honest, Rick Grimes hated being in charge. it always seemed to him that he’s born to be a leader, but now he realizes how exhausting it is. and still, he keeps moving forward no matter what.

the only people who didn't complain to (or about) him were Daryl and Hershel. and if everything was clear in Hershel’s – he basically didn't ask unnecessary questions, trusting Rick's judgment, but at the same time adhered to his own opinion in everything, age and all. then Daryl’s a real blessing. even though he asked questions, they’re always loud enough for only Rick to hear. Dixon didn't question his authority, and Rick was grateful for that alone. but that's not all. no matter what happened, Daryl didn’t leave his side, he always supported Rick's decisions – not because Daryl is his anything — for example, his «wife», as is typical of Lori to explain things, but because after every single personal discussion, Rick could convince his wingman that he thinks sensibly and knows what he’s doing. sometimes it seemed to Rick that Dixon's arguing with him not because he had a different opinion, but because Daryl knew how repeating thoughts out loud helped Grimes make sure his actions were correct. not to mention all this touching, prolonged eye contact and edging each other on — this became their routine, really, keeping each other on their toes for gigs.

so now that Dixon's sitting quietly next to him, when everyone was already asleep, Rick could let out a quiet exhale. to show that, in fact, his hands with his steel grip are shaking from overwhelming emotions, anxiety, and worries. he couldn't stand it. the whole world around him continued to rapidly collapse before his eyes, and he couldn't do anything about it. his steel grip wasn’t enough, his iron will wasn’t enough, Rick Grimes wasn’t enough to be the leader of this group.

«I can't do this anymore», Rick breathed, moving closer to him – damn, he can hide behind all the fake brutality and willingness to kill for his people, but he can't fight everything on his own. Rick's forehead is on Daryl's shoulder, which is the closest thing he's had to human contact in a while. he and Lori haven't been as close as they used to be for a long time – hell, he hasn't touched her since he found out about the pregnancy. didn’t want to. couldn't trust.

Daryl, on the other hand, he trusted more than it’s worth trusting another person. but so far, Rick hasn't gotten a single reason to doubt the man.