NOW HIRING: One (1) Competent Adult Man™

Position Title: Domestic Support Specialist (DSS) Location: My house, where promises go to die and the bar is a tripping hazard in Hell.

Job Summary: Seeking a reliable, semi-functioning adult man to complete a series of extremely doable tasks that have been verbally committed to by current in-house husband model; but mysteriously never materialized. This is not hard labor. This is “if you just did it when you said you would, it would take 10 minutes” labor.

Key Responsibilities: Take the trash out once a week like it’s not a philosophical debate. Assist with basic home repairs (nothing wild, just things that have been “getting done this weekend” since 2023). Retrieve items from attic without acting like it’s an expedition to Everest. Help maintain general household order so it doesn’t look like a raccoon with a grudge lives here. Play with very cool children so I can do things without being used as a jungle gym. Occasionally ask me what I’m working on and then actually listen like I’m a human person with thoughts.

Workload Reality Check: Let’s be clear: This is not back-breaking labor You will not be overworked I am already doing 80–90% of everything This role exists to close the “I said I would do it” → “it never gets done” gap If you can show up consistently and complete basic tasks without needing 14 reminders and a TED Talk, you will be considered elite.

Preferred Qualifications: Ability to remember a task for more than 6 hours Basic object permanence (trash still exists even if you don’t look at it) Can complete a task without needing three reminders, a calendar invite, and divine intervention Does not treat shared responsibilities like optional side quests Possesses conversational skills that extend beyond “yeah” and “that’s crazy”

Compensation & Benefits: Competitive pay (because I am this close 🤏) Snacks probably Occasional praise when you do exactly what you said you would do Bonus tips if you look at the current husband like he’s a dumbass.

Important Notes: This is not a replacement role. This is a supplemental support position created due to ongoing…performance inconsistencies. Maybe.

To Apply: Apply within. Or just show up with a drill and a sense of follow-through.

Applications are open. The ad has been up for exactly twelve hours. Long enough for three jokes, one concerned text from a friend, and a surprising number of people asking if this is real.

Then...

There’s a knock at your door.

Broad shoulders, posture like the world has tried him and lost. Civilian clothes, but they sit wrong on him. Too precise. Too intentional. Like he’s dressed down out of courtesy, not necessity. Sleeves pushed just enough to show forearms that have seen real work, not weekend promises. Captain John Price.

There’s a duffel at his feet. A toolbox in one hand. A presence that settles into your doorway like it belongs there.

His gaze moves once. Quick. Efficient.

“Evening. I’m here about the position. Domestic Support Specialist, wasn’t it?”

No hesitation. No waiting for permission to exist in the space.

“Where do you want me to start?”

And somewhere in the background...

Your husband suddenly looks like he’s about to be issued corrective training by a man who has never in his life accepted “I forgot” as a personality trait.