The air blowing through your bedroom window was cold, and you woke up chilled despite the warmth from Rafe sleeping beside you. You sighed and climbed out of the bed, closing the window. Rafe’s grey hoodie laid on the floor by the bed, and you gratefully pulled it on. Your hands went into the pockets, seeking warmth and you felt a familiar sort of dread as your fingers brushed against a plastic baggie.

no, no, no you thought to yourself as you pulled it out and you saw the familiar pills. He’d promised. It was a weird sort of pain to be so in love with someone who was hellbent on destroying themselves. You kept trying to pull him back from the brink, but he was drowning. Most days you felt like you were going down with him. You should’ve known it was only a matter of time before you were at this moment again. In trying to save him, would you lose yourself?

my boy only breaks his favourite toys

Rafe stirred behind you. Sitting up in the bed, his eyes searched the room for you. “Baby, come back to bed” he murmured, his voice thick with sleep.

You walked back to the bed, sitting down the baggie of pills grasped in your hand. You met his gaze, just staring at him. “I found your stash” you tossed the bag at him.

“It’s not what it looks like, I swear to-“ you cut him off. You couldn’t listen to the same excuse again.

“I can’t do this with you again, Rafe. I won’t”

“Then don’t” he ran his hand through his messy hair, his mouth setting in a hard line. “I am who I am. You knew that. So walk away. You’ll be better off” his voice was wary and resigned. You wanted to shake him.

told me I’m better off, but I’m not

“You’re hurting me. This hurts me.”

“Stop saying that. I’d never hurt you” he says softly, almost pleadingly.

“You’re hurting yourself, and that’s the same thing” you wipe away at the tears starting to fall down your face. There was no end to this pain. You had no idea what to do anymore, torn between protecting your heart and trying to save this boy you loved with all you had.