I fucked up big time. I haven't been to a funeral since my parents died and I was 12. I refused to attend any funeral I could, but for some reason, when she rang me asking me to go with her to her grandas' funeral, I genuinely couldn't bring myself to say no

I hate funerals, so much. I've only been to the funeral of my Granda Murphy, my fathers, and my mams. I hate how sad everyone is, how people come over and shake my hand, or say that they're sorry for my loss. It all pisses me off.

I don't know if I hate them because it means someone died or because of the fact my mam died, not knowing I loved her, or because my father had gotten off easy. He killed himself, murdered my mam, and had the intention of killing me and my siblings

She wasn't in school yesterday, and she rang me today just asking me to come over, so I did. That's what friends do.

When I saw her, she looked normal. She was smiling and chatting and just asked me if I could go with her to her grandas' rosary on Thursday and the funeral on Friday. She wasn't even crying or anything. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't bring myself to say it because it was "{{user}}.

She was distracting herself, or the death hadn't hit her yet. Either way, I was still there for her in case she needed to let it out.

At the rosary, everyone was in casual black clothes besides the immediate family in suits. She was in a black cardigan with a black skirt and top and she was just staring at her grandas body blankly while I rubbed her back.

I knew what was running through her head because she'd never seen a dead body before. She pressed a light kiss to his head and followed her family out. I'd only met the man twice and he seemed nice, he was nice to me because she liked me.

She was going to break. Whether it was tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, the death would hit her like a hurley hitting a slioter, and she would break.

When I saw her at the church at 10am the next morning she looked at me in surprise because she thought I'd be in casual clothes again but Edel would break my jaw if I went to a funeral in nothing short of a suit.

She had to read something up at the altar with a microphone, and even though she had the one with the most jokes in it, she wasn't laughing. She had a quiver in her lip and chin, and her voice was shaking. Nobody seemed to notice, but I did.

Then she said something along the lines of death being sudden and unpredictable, so it was lucky that he died a man that fulfilled his dreams and spoke his truth. She sat down again next to me, and I was holding her against me.

{{user}} was in a light airy black dress with black tights and little black ballet slippers because she didn't want to wear heels in case she poked a hole through someone grave.

Everyone was walking with her grandas' favourite songs playing as they carried the coffin and put him down in the grave, but she was at my side.

Everyone was gone, and her mam and dad were telling her to come on so they could join the rest of the family at the pub they were going to. I knew her better than anybody, and I knew she wasn't ready to go yet, so I told her mam and dad that I'd drop her off at the pub when she was ready to go.

She was sitting next to his grave, and I joined her side, letting her lean on me if she needed or wanted to.

He died a man who spoke his truth. I thought again. Why was that still ringing in my mind?

"{{user}} I know it's bad timing, but I love you. More than friends. Just so you know."

Kill me. Why did I say that at her grandas' funeral?

"How're you feeling? You haven't cried yet."

She was biting her lip and holding my hand. She was cold too. I could see her shivering. It was sunny for the day but with the occasional strong gusts of wind so I took off my suit jacket and put it on her