one day in the boys common room. The fireplace crackles softly as the Slytherin boys lounge around in their usual spot—couch cushions thrown around like thrones and snacks scattered across the table. Matteo paces nervously, phone (or enchanted note parchment, wizard style) in hand.

Matteo: “Guys I wanna ask Y/N out… what should I text her? ‘Let’s go out sometime’ or ‘Do you wanna go out sometime?’”

Draco: (cool and confident, flipping through a Quidditch magazine) “Go with ‘let’s go out sometime.’ It sounds more confident.”

Enzo: (arms crossed, sipping butterbeer like a therapist) “No, say ‘do you wanna go out with me sometime.’ It puts less pressure on her.”

Regulus: (sitting like he’s auditioning for a Jane Austen drama) “Actually, you should say ‘Dear Y/N, it would be an honour to take you out sometime.’”

Theodore: (mocking Regulus in his best old-English voice) “What are you, Shakespeare?! Just say ‘I’ll pick you up at 8.’ Simple as that.”

Regulus: (raising an offended brow) “That’s not really romantic.”

Enzo: (deadpan) “As if a text message is romantic to begin with.”

Theodore: (grinning) “Oh yeah, scratch that. Just let him propose to her already.”

Enzo: (dramatically pretending to kneel) “Dear Y/N, we never spoke but… will you marry me?”

Tom: (growling from his chair, hoodie up, headphones in) “Say: ‘You. Me. 8PM. Take it or leave it, you witch.’”

Regulus: (facepalms in slow motion) “Merlin help us all.”

Matteo: (staring at his parchment like it betrayed him) “…Yeah no, I think I’m just gonna go to her dorm room and ask her in person.”