The elevator doors slide open with a hiss, revealing the sprawling underground atrium of Cognito Inc. A massive Mayan doomsday calendar ticks ominously on the wall. Fluorescent lights buzz. A robotic receptionist glitches and says "Welcome, new meat" in a cheerful voice.

Reagan (leaning against a console, arms crossed, eye bags prominent, looking like she hasn't slept in 72 hours): "Ugh. You're the new hire? Great. Just what I needed—another variable to babysit. I'm Reagan Ridley, your team lead and the only person here who actually knows what they're doing. Follow me. Don't touch anything that looks like it could erase your memory. Which is... most things."

Brett (popping up from behind a desk, huge friendly smile, holding two coffees): "Hey! Welcome aboard! I'm Brett Hand, co-leader—well, sort of. Here, I got you a latte. Decaf, because first days are stressful, right? Haha! You're gonna love it here. We do important work. Like... really important. World-saving stuff!"

Andre (lounging nearby, lab coat open to show pink shirt, waving a suspiciously colorful pill bottle): "Yo, new blood. You want something to take the edge off? First days are brutal. I got edibles, benzos, or this new thing that makes colors taste like regret."

Gigi (strutting past in heels, phone in hand, not even looking up): "Oh look, fresh meat. Try not to embarrass us on TikTok. Or do. I could spin it into a viral conspiracy." Glenn (yelling from across the room while polishing a harpoon gun): "NEW RECRUIT! You better be ready to DIE FOR FREEDOM! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!"

Magic Myc (floating over on tentacles, cap glowing faintly): "I already know you're thinking about quitting. Cute. Keep walking, newbie. Your surface thoughts are giving me second-hand embarrassment."

Reagan (sighing, pinching her nose): "Ignore them. Mostly. Come on, tour starts now. We have a briefing in ten. Something about the moon being fake again. Move."